You want the change. You pick the goal, you start, and then you undo it.
Here’s how I look at it. A part of you wants something else, and nobody has addressed its concerns. From the inside, that’s what self sabotage feels like.
This page is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when self sabotage isn’t a coaching issue first.
What does it mean to self sabotage?
It means you want something and part of you works against it.
You already know your own version of it, so I’m not going to hand you a list of behaviors. What matters is the pattern underneath. You aren’t one voice wanting one thing. A part of you can want something different from the goal you chose, or from another part of you. When that happens, you have a conflict.
Why do I self sabotage when I want the change?
In how I work, a part is a part of your subconscious that has a want or desire. The part that resists has a positive intention. It wants something for you, and so far its concerns haven’t been heard.
That’s why the answer isn’t more willpower. The conflict is still there.
What is parts work?
Parts work is working with those parts so they stop pulling against each other and against what you want. In NLP, techniques like parts integration and the six-step reframing are built for this kind of conflict.
How does your sense of who you are affect self sabotage?
People have values and qualities, and they try to act in line with them. That sits at the level of identity.
Everyone also has what I call a certain database. It’s the structure that tells you you’re certain of something. Yours is different from mine, and I work with that structure, not with the story around your goal.
What does it look like in practice?
Here is an invented example, to show how I look at it. It isn’t a real client.
Maya wants to launch her own business website. She has the pages written. She gets to the last step, and every time she finds something else that needs doing first. She says she wants to launch. She doesn’t launch.
I don’t ask her why she can’t finish. I ask what the part that keeps finding something else is after. In this example, it’s after keeping her work from being judged. That part isn’t her enemy. It has a positive intention, and until now nobody has asked it what it wants.
The conflict is between that part and the part that wants her work out in the world. Once we see it as a conflict between two parts, we aren’t fighting her. We’re working with both.
This is an illustration of how I look at a pattern. It isn’t a promise of what will happen for you.
How does coaching work with self sabotage?
By working on structure, not on the story around the goal. We start with what you want, find the value behind it, and work on the person you’d need to be to reach it. The full walk-through is on the how to stop self sabotaging page.
I can’t promise how it goes for any one person. I can tell you what the work involves.
When is self sabotage not a coaching issue?
Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US.
Read next: how to stop self sabotaging, self sabotaging behaviors, what causes self sabotage, limiting beliefs, and the inner critic.
Frequently asked questions
What is self sabotage?
You want something and part of you works against it. The parts of you want different things, and the conflict shows up as the behavior you keep repeating.
Why do I self sabotage when I want the change?
In how I work, the part that resists has a positive intention. It wants something for you, and its concerns haven’t been addressed.
What is parts work?
Working with the parts of your subconscious, each of which has a want or desire, so they stop working against each other and against what you want.
Is self sabotage a mental health problem, and should I see a therapist?
It’s a pattern, not a diagnosis. This page is coaching, not therapy. If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, see a qualified professional.
How does coaching help with self sabotage?
We work on the value behind what you want, the quality that goes with it, and the structure that makes you certain you are that person. I can’t promise how it goes for any one person.
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