You stop self sabotaging by addressing the concerns of the part of you that wants something else. In how I work, that part isn’t the enemy. It wants something for you, and nobody has heard it yet.
If you want the background on what a part is, start with self sabotage. This page is about what to do with it. To see what the behavior looks like first, read self sabotaging behaviors.
This is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when to get help from a professional instead first.
How do you stop self sabotaging?
You find the part that resists, and you find out what it wants.
That sounds simple, and it is a different job than pushing harder. When you push against the part, you’re treating it as the problem. In how I work, the problem is that its concern hasn’t been addressed. Once it has, the part has no reason to keep pulling against the goal.
How do you stop self sabotaging behavior?
Start with what the behavior is doing for you.
The behavior is the visible end of a conflict. Something you do keeps undoing what you want, and it keeps happening because a part of you has a positive intention behind it. It wants something for you, even when the way it goes about it costs you.
So the question isn’t “how do I stop this behavior?” The question is “what is this part trying to get me?” Answer that, and the behavior has somewhere else to go.
What does working on this with a coach look like?
It starts with what you want. I coach on many different goals, and the work is the same shape each time.
First we find the value behind the goal. Then we link that value to a quality, the person you’d need to be to reach it. Then we work on that quality until what I call your certain database tells you that you are that person. That database is the structure that makes you certain of something. Yours is different from mine, and sometimes it has to be built before it can be worked on.
I work with that structure, not with the story around your goal. And I can’t promise how it goes for any one person. I can tell you what the work involves.
An invented walk-through
This is an invented example, to show the steps. It isn’t a real client.
Say Maya wants to launch her business website but keeps stopping at the last step.
The goal. She wants her site live.
The value. Behind the goal is something she cares about. In this example, it’s independence: working for herself, in her own way.
The quality. To reach it she’d need to be someone who puts her work out in the world. That’s the quality.
The part. The part that keeps stopping her has a positive intention. In this example, it wants to keep her work from being judged. Its concern is real to it, so we start there.
The certain database. Then we look at what makes her certain she’s someone who puts her work out. If that certainty isn’t there yet, it has to be built before it can be worked on. We work on it until her certain database tells her she is that person.
I’m not telling you this is how it goes for everyone. It’s how I look at a pattern, and it shows the shape of the work.
Can you stop self sabotaging in relationships or at work?
The pattern is the same wherever it shows up. A part of you wants something different from what you chose, or from another part of you.
The setting changes the goal. It doesn’t change the work. Whether you’re trying to hold on to a relationship, do the job you took, or finish something you started, we look at the value behind the goal and the part that resists it.
Can self sabotage be stopped for good?
I can’t promise that, and I won’t. What I can say is what changes. When the concern of the part that resists has been addressed, it stops pulling against the goal. What happens for you depends on you.
When should you get help from a professional instead?
Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US, or call your local emergency number.
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop self sabotaging behavior?
Start with what the behavior is doing for you. In how I work, a part of you has a positive intention behind it, and the behavior stops when that part’s concern has been addressed.
How do I stop self sabotaging in my relationships?
The pattern is the same in a relationship as anywhere else: a part of you wants something different from the goal you chose. We work on the value behind what you want and the part that resists it.
Can self sabotage be stopped for good?
I can’t promise that. What changes is that the part that resists has been heard, so it stops pulling against the goal. What happens for you depends on you.
What is a part?
A part of your subconscious that has a want or desire. You can read more on the self sabotage page.
Do I need a therapist or a coach?
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, see a qualified professional. Coaching is not therapy.
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