A self sabotaging behavior is something you do that undoes what you want. In how I work, it’s also a part of you doing a job. That part has a positive intention, even when the behavior costs you.
This page is about what the behaviors look like and what they’re for. For what to do about them, read how to stop self sabotaging. For the background, start with self sabotage.
This is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when to get help from a professional instead first.
What is self sabotaging behavior?
It’s the visible end of a conflict. You want something, and part of you works against it. What you see is the behavior. What’s underneath is a part of you that wants something different from the goal you chose, or from another part of you.
What do self sabotaging behaviors look like?
You know your own version. Here are some common ones, described plainly.
Putting off the one thing that matters. Starting, then dropping it. Picking a fight right before something good. Saying yes when you meant no. Staying with what’s familiar when you said you wanted more.
I’m not handing you a checklist, because the list isn’t the point. The same behavior can come from different parts for different reasons. The useful question is what yours is for.
Why do I keep repeating the behavior?
Because the part behind it has a positive intention, and its concern hasn’t been addressed. It’s doing the only thing it knows how to do for you.
That’s why repeating the behavior isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you. A part of you is still trying to get something for you, and nobody has asked it what.
What is a self sabotaging pattern?
A pattern is the same conflict showing up again in a different place. The behavior changes, the setting changes, and the conflict between the parts stays the same.
If you notice the same thing happening at work, in your relationships and with your own goals, you’re likely looking at one pattern, not three problems.
What questions help you see what a behavior is for?
Start with the behavior, not with yourself. Three questions are enough to begin.
What does this behavior do for me? That’s the one that matters most, because it points to the positive intention. What would I lose if I stopped? Sometimes the answer shows what the part is protecting. And what do I want instead? That’s the goal the part is pulling against.
You don’t need the answers to be tidy. Writing down what comes up is a start. The aim isn’t to judge the behavior. It’s to find out what it’s for.
An invented example
This is an invented example, to show how I look at a behavior. It isn’t a real client.
Daniel says yes to every request at work, then misses his own deadlines. He says he wants to finish the project that matters to him. He keeps saying yes to everything else.
The behavior is saying yes. I’d ask what it does for him. In this example, it keeps the people around him from being let down by him. That’s a positive intention. The part isn’t trying to ruin his project. It’s trying to look after something else.
The conflict is between that part and the part that wants his project finished. Seeing it that way changes the question. It stops being “why can’t I say no?” and becomes “what does the part that says yes want, and how do both parts get what they want?”
This is an illustration of how I look at a pattern, not a promise of what will happen for you. For how the work goes, read how to stop self sabotaging.
When should you get help from a professional instead?
Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US, or call your local emergency number.
Frequently asked questions
What is self sabotaging behavior?
Something you do that undoes what you want. In how I work, it’s the visible end of a conflict between parts, and the part behind it has a positive intention.
What are examples of self sabotaging behavior?
Putting off the one thing that matters, starting and dropping it, picking a fight before something good, saying yes when you meant no. The behavior varies. The question that matters is what the part behind it is for.
Why do I keep doing it?
A part of you has a positive intention behind the behavior, and its concern hasn’t been addressed.
Is self sabotaging behavior a mental health problem?
It’s a pattern, not a diagnosis. This page is coaching, not therapy. If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, see a qualified professional.
How do I stop it?
Start with what the behavior is doing for you. The how to stop self sabotaging page explains how the work goes.
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