In how I work, self sabotage is caused by a conflict between parts. A part of you wants something different from the goal you chose, or from another part of you. That part has a positive intention, and nobody has addressed its concern.
I don’t claim to know where your pattern started. I can tell you how I look at it and what the work involves.
This is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when to get help from a professional instead first.
What causes self sabotage?
You aren’t one voice wanting one thing. In how I work, a part is a part of your subconscious that has a want or desire. When two of them want different things, or a part wants something different from your goal, you have a conflict. Self sabotage is what that conflict looks like from the outside.
For more on what a part is, start with self sabotage.
Why do I self sabotage my success?
Because the part that resists has a positive intention. It wants something for you, and so far its concern hasn’t been heard.
Success is a change, and a change can touch something a part cares about. When that happens, the part pulls against the goal. It isn’t that you don’t want it. A part of you wants something else too.
Why do I self sabotage myself?
It can feel like you’re against yourself. In how I work, it’s one part of you acting on what it wants for you, while another part wants the goal. You’re not an enemy to yourself. You have a conflict that hasn’t been addressed.
Why do we do it on purpose?
It can feel deliberate, because the behavior repeats. But the part behind it isn’t trying to hurt you. That’s what a positive intention means. It’s doing the only thing it knows how to do for you.
You can see what that behavior looks like on the self sabotaging behaviors page.
Is it always one part?
No. In how I work, the conflict can be between two parts, or between a part and a goal you’ve set. Both parts can have a positive intention. That’s why it can feel like you’re pulled two ways at once, because you are.
An invented example
This is an invented example, to show how I look at a conflict. It isn’t a real client.
Sam has been offered a new role. One part of him wants it. Another part wants him to stay where he knows what to expect. He says yes, then drags his feet on the paperwork, then says he’s not sure.
I wouldn’t ask which part is right. In this example, the part that wants him to stay has a positive intention: it wants things to stay familiar. The part that wants the role wants something too. They aren’t enemies. They want different things for him, and neither has been asked what it needs.
This is an illustration of how I look at a conflict, not a promise of what will happen for you. For what to do about it, read how to stop self sabotaging.
When should you get help from a professional instead?
If you think your pattern comes from something that happened to you, that’s a question for a qualified professional, not a coach. Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US, or call your local emergency number.
Frequently asked questions
What causes self sabotage?
In how I work, a conflict between parts. A part of you wants something different from your goal, or from another part, and its concern hasn’t been addressed.
Why do I self sabotage my success?
The part that resists has a positive intention. It wants something for you, and success can touch something it cares about.
Why do I self sabotage myself?
It can feel like you’re against yourself. In how I work, it’s one part acting on what it wants for you while another part wants the goal.
Does self sabotage come from my past?
I don’t claim to know where any one person’s pattern started. If you think yours comes from something that happened to you, talk to a qualified professional.
Can I stop it?
I can’t promise how it goes for any one person. The how to stop self sabotaging page explains how the work goes.
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