You stop negative self-talk by finding out what the voice wants for you, not by arguing with its words. In how I work, it’s a part of you speaking, and when its concern has been heard it has less reason to keep going.
For what negative self-talk is and what it sounds like, start with negative self-talk. This page is about what to do. This is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when to get help from a professional instead first.
How do you stop negative self-talk?
You start by noticing it, then you get curious about it. Telling yourself to stop is itself a form of the same voice, and it usually adds a second voice to the first.
Instead, treat the words as information. They tell you what a part of you is worried about. The question that matters is not “why am I like this?” It’s “what is this trying to get for me?”
What do you do in the moment?
When you catch the voice, you don’t have to win. Here are three small things you can do.
Write down the exact sentence, in the words you heard. Ask what it wants for you, even if the answer seems odd. And ask what you want in this moment, so the two aren’t tangled together.
That’s enough to start. You aren’t trying to get a good answer. You’re trying to get an honest one, and to stop treating the voice as the enemy.
Why doesn’t telling yourself to think positively work?
Because the words aren’t the part that matters. If a part of you says “you’ll get it wrong,” replacing the sentence with “you’ll do great” leaves the part where it was. It still has its concern, and nobody has asked it what that is.
That’s why I work with the part, not the sentence. Once we know what the voice wants, the work is to address it. For more on how that looks, read self sabotage.
How does coaching work with negative self-talk?
It starts with what you want, not with the voice. We look for the value behind the goal and the person you’d need to be to reach it, and we work on what makes you certain you are that person. The full process is on the how to stop self sabotaging page.
I can’t promise how it goes for any one person. I can tell you what the work involves.
What if the voice is the inner critic?
Then the two pages work together. The inner critic page covers the part that judges you. This one covers what it says and what to do about it. If you recognize the critic’s voice, you may find that reading both helps you see the pattern.
An invented example
This is an invented example, to show how I look at stopping self-talk. It isn’t a real client.
Rina catches herself saying, “You’re going to embarrass yourself,” every time she’s about to speak in a meeting. She has tried telling herself to calm down. It has never helped.
I wouldn’t ask her to stop the sentence. I’d ask what it wants for her. In this example, the voice wants her prepared and out of harm’s way. That’s a positive intention, and it explains why the warning gets louder just before she speaks.
Behind her goal is a value: being heard. To reach it she’d need a quality, someone who speaks up and can trust herself in the room. The question is whether her certain database tells her she’s that person. We’d work on that certainty, and on what the voice needs to hear, rather than on the sentence. This is an illustration of how I look at a pattern, not a promise of what will happen for you.
When should you get help from a professional instead?
If the voice tells you to hurt yourself, or it comes from something painful that happened to you, that’s a question for a qualified professional, not a coach. Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US, or call your local emergency number.
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop negative self-talk?
Notice it, write down the exact sentence, and ask what it wants for you. In how I work, it stops pulling against you when its concern has been heard.
How do I stop negative self-talk in the moment?
You don’t have to win. Write the sentence down, ask what the voice wants for you, and ask what you want right now so the two aren’t tangled.
Why won’t positive affirmations work?
They replace the words and leave the part where it was. The part still has its concern.
Can negative self-talk be stopped for good?
I can’t promise that. What changes is that the part has been heard, so it has less reason to keep raising the alarm.
Do I need a therapist or a coach?
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, see a qualified professional. Coaching is not therapy.
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