Negative self-talk is what you say to yourself when you’re running yourself down. In how I work, it’s not just a habit of words. It’s a part of you speaking, and the words tell you what that part is worried about.
This page covers what negative self-talk is, what it sounds like, and why it shows up. For what to do about it, read how to stop negative self-talk. This is coaching, not therapy. If you’re not sure that’s what you need, read when to get help from a professional instead first.
What is negative self-talk?
It’s the running commentary that tells you what’s wrong with you, your work or your chances. Most people do it without noticing. It can be loud, or it can be so quiet it sounds like plain fact.
The words are only the surface. In how I work, a part is a part of your subconscious that has a want or desire, and the words come from one. That’s why the same sentence can mean different things for different people. For the background on parts, start with self sabotage.
What does negative self-talk sound like?
You know your own version. Here are some common forms, grouped by what the voice is doing.
Running you down: “I’m so stupid.” “I always mess this up.” “What is wrong with me?”
Predicting: “This won’t work.” “They’ll say no.” “I’ll look ridiculous.”
Taking it back: “It was luck.” “Anyone could have done it.” “It doesn’t count.”
Putting you last: “Everyone else matters more.” “I shouldn’t bother anyone.”
Demanding: “I should be further along.” “I can’t make another mistake.”
I’m not giving you a list to check yourself against. The same words can come from different parts for different reasons. What matters is what yours is doing.
Why do people have negative self-talk?
In how I work, because a part of you has a positive intention and this is the way it knows how to act on it. It isn’t trying to hurt you. It’s trying to do something for you, and the way it goes about it costs you.
I don’t claim to know where yours came from or what it wants. That’s the question to ask. When its concern has been heard, it has less reason to keep going.
What is the difference between negative self-talk and the inner critic?
They overlap. The inner critic is the part. Negative self-talk is what it says, plus the other voices that run you down. If you want to understand who’s talking, start with the inner critic. If you want to notice the words, start here.
Is negative self-talk the same as being honest with yourself?
No. Honest self-assessment points at something you can do next. Negative self-talk is about you, not about the task: “I messed up” can be honest. “I always mess up” is the voice. You can tell the difference by what it does to your next step.
An invented example
This is an invented example, to show how I look at self-talk. It isn’t a real client.
Jordan finishes a presentation and goes straight to the voice: “That was awful. They could see you didn’t know what you were doing.” The feedback was good. The voice carries on anyway.
I wouldn’t tell Jordan to think positive thoughts. I’d ask what the voice is trying to get for him. In this example, it wants him ready for the worst, so he’s never caught off guard. That’s a positive intention. It’s also making every success feel like a close call.
The conflict is between that part and the part of Jordan that wants to enjoy the work. Seeing it that way changes the question from “how do I make it stop talking?” to “what does it need so it doesn’t have to keep warning me?” This is an illustration of how I look at a pattern, not a promise of what will happen for you.
When should you get help from a professional instead?
If the voice tells you to hurt yourself, or it comes from something painful that happened to you, that’s a question for a qualified professional, not a coach. Coaching isn’t therapy. I don’t claim to treat trauma, and I don’t claim to cure anything.
If there’s trauma, deep-seated emotional issues, or thoughts of suicide, talk to a qualified professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the US, or call your local emergency number.
Frequently asked questions
What is negative self-talk?
What you say to yourself when you’re running yourself down. In how I work, it’s a part of you speaking.
What are examples of negative self-talk?
“I’m so stupid.” “This won’t work.” “It was luck.” “I shouldn’t bother anyone.” “I should be further along.” Each one is about you, not about the task.
Why do I talk to myself like this?
In how I work, a part of you has a positive intention and this is how it acts on it. I don’t claim to know what yours wants.
Is negative self-talk bad for you?
I don’t make health claims. What I can say is that it can cost you, because it can shape what you try.
Does positive thinking work on negative self-talk?
Replacing the words leaves the part that said them where it was. In how I work, the work is with what the part wants.
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